Confidence, self-esteem and approval are all tied very closely. Combined, I call this the triangle of self-perseverance. They are interwoven and when out of balance, we can’t be the best version of ourselves. Like a science project that successfully shows cause-and-effect when elements are evenly poured, so too happens with the proper mixture of confidence, self-esteem and approval. Through building one’s confidence we see self-esteem emerge; however, the challenge is where we seek our approval. For many teens, they look to their peers for approval and if they don’t receive the acceptance they seek, this can damage their confidence and ultimately their self-esteem. So keeping the triangle of self-perseverance in balance is not easy.
Confidence is that undefinable ability or feeling we have that tells us that we can do it. That we are smart enough or strong enough to take something on, win or lose. It provides us with a sense of self where we are comfortable to try something and not fear failure, but look upon it as a growth opportunity. This builds resilience in all of us which in turn squashes fear and cultivates self-esteem.
Self-esteem is how much you like who you are and how much you accept and respect yourself. Healthy self-esteem can serve much like a shield of armor against the challenges of the world. Self-esteem will change throughout your life, so the key to positive self-esteem is to stay confident in who you are and to surround yourself with good people who give you a healthy dose of reality as well as approval.
Approval or acceptance comes in many forms from interactions with parents, teachers, coaches to friends and colleagues. However, ultimate approval comes from a place deep within that says, “I’m ok with me. I accept me for who I am.” Getting to that place can be tough for many of us. During the critical teen years, youth look to their peers more than anyone else for approval. They also need to see this approval reinforced at home and school by caring adults in their lives. This is how the delicate balancing act of confidence, self-esteem and approval come together.
To raise confident kids, we must reinforce their success and failures; give them room to grow and build autonomy. Through this process, confidence will ultimately blossom. Then we must encourage them to take on challenges big or small and praise them for their successes as well understand their defeats. This is where their self-esteem will be tested. Remember, valuable life lessons come from failure. As Robert F. Kennedy said, “Only those who dare to fail greatly can achieve greatly.” Encourage them to keep going, teach them perseverance and resilience will follow. Ultimately, they will grow strong, trust in themselves and look inward for approval. Through this symmetry self-perseverance will ultimately be found.
Hear more from Dr. Carol Langois and others at “Overcoming Overwhelm: Supporting the Future of Our Youth” on April 11th in Burlingame, California. Click here to learn more and register for this free event.
Dr. Carol Langlois is a trained therapist, researcher, educational consultant and published author. Her primary research focus is female self-esteem development among teens. Her book Girl Talk: Boys, Bullies and Body Image, is a compilation of interviews with teens girls on the topic of self-esteem and offers an effective and practical system designed to RAISE (Resilience, Attitude, Independence, Self-Respect and Empowerment) teen self-esteem. Check out the book trailer for Girl Talk: Boys, Bullies and Body Image. Dr. Carol can be found on Facebook & Twitter and she hosts a blog to offer practical advice for parents and teens.